A Mother's Conundrum

Moonpie goes to pre-school two days a week.  About two months ago, one of the larger three-year-olds pushed her twice in one week. 

For Moonpie, it was very traumatic. 

Since then, she hasn't enjoyed school as much, and when asked about her classmates she always says that "Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name" pushes.

Forgiveness is not something she is good at yet.

Let me admit, at the outset, that my kid is not a saint.  She turned to the very sweet child next to her at storytime one day, gave her a withering stare, and announced "You are not my friend."

The difference between her and Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name is in how the situations were handled.  In my house, there is a zero tolerance for this kind of behavior.   Moonpie was forced to immediately apologize to the little girl, given a lecture on the way home, and hasn't repeated the behavior since.

The same cannot be said for Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name.

When I went to pick up Moonpie on Tuesday, I learned that Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name had choked a classmate while the teacher was helping a child in the bathroom.   They were separated, but no parents were called.

Then later the same day, Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name bit the same little girl.  On the face.

Again, no parents were called.  They learned of the incident when picking up their children at the end of the day.

Did I mention that Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name's mother is the director of the school, out on maternity leave?

This morning Moonpie stood silent by the door while I put on her coat, then told me she didn't want to go to school.  "Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name pushes," she told me.  Then she asked if she could take her security blanket with her to school.

I don't want my child to hate school.  That shouldn't happen until at least junior high.

So this morning I had a friendly little chat with both Moonpie's teacher and the interim director.  Sum of a very long story is this:  they won't do anything about Overused-Last-Name-For-A-First-Name.   

She just had a bad day on Tuesday, they told me.

I don't know about you, but when I have a bad day I don't choke and bite random children.

I am not sure where to go from here.  It is a private pre-school, so it isn't covered by any state regulations.  I don't want to take Moonpie out of a class she loves otherwise, but I don't want her to be subjected to a bully and learn to hate school at the ripe old age of three.

What do you think?

Comments

[sara]

Not being a parent and not knowing what kind of logistics went in to getting her into the school, finding a new one, etc - I'd still feel like she needs to leave. IF she hates it so much, and you have no reasonable expectation that it's going to improve, you need to fix it by leaving.

I was a small, shy little girl who was bullied an awful lot as a child - and it had some really lasting effects on my self esteem, self worth, and so on. I would really urge you to remove her from the situation, how ever you have to.

[Lorraine]

I've been reading your blog for awhile. My son is also adopted from Kaz. For me it just comes down to one thing, the adults are in charge. If you can't trust their judgment, not involving the parents in this situation is in my humble opinion, really bad judgment, why would you want your child exposed to that. This bad situation will probably change. But my guess is there will be another, and maybe even worse for Moonpie.

Good luck.

[SHanna]

I can't believe that the state doesn't have some say in how all pre-school/daycare facilities operate. They do here. Even church run facilities have to comply and the teachers all have to be certified and maintain their certification.

I bet that if it was your kid pulling that crap and not the directors kid they would be all over your butt about it. Good luck.

Apparently the workers are afraid to tell their boss that her kid is a beast and all the other kids get to suffer for it. Aren't there rules and regulations set by the school themselves that are supposed to be followed, even if the state has no control?

That is so hard to know your kid is being bullied and not seeing the people in power actually handling it. I hope things improve soon.

[Rach]

I guess I have a couple of questions:
1. do you think it will be better when "Overused-for-a-first-name-last-name"'s mother comes back?
2. Do you think there is any benefit to talking to the parents of the child who was bitten by "OFAFNLM"? Maybe there is power in numbers?
3. Is there any policy at at the school in terms of what they do with aggressive behavior?

I guess #3 is the real kicker for me. If the answer is yes, but in this case they feel OFAFNLM is going through a hard patch or whatever (kaflooey, I say), I would try to ride it out and help Moonpie develop strategies so she doesn't get pushed (in our family that involves telling the pusher "DON'T PUSH ME" loudly enough that a grownup hears it). If you think the school really is just not equipped to handle aggression, then it probably is time to switch because those aggressive kids are out there. Hell, sometimes they're my kids!

[Haley]

Follow your gut. Being a mother is about following your instincts. If it doesn't feel right to you to have her in that school, then make other arrangements. If you feel that school is best, but you honestly think the admin is giving you the run around, then maybe a polite ultimatum is in order. If it's private, then you're paying tuition of some sort, meaning you are a customer - a client - and certainly deserve proper attention regarding these matters. Don't let anyone tell you different.

[Rhonda]

I like Rach's ideas about strategies so Moonpie can protect herself and feel empowered.

...And I second Shanna's comment about private preschools having to comply with state regulations too.

But either way, whether your state's rules are just different from my state's rules, it doesn't matter. Teachers need to make it clear that violence is never okay, and not waver from that position.

It doesn't matter if a kid is feeling stressed or whatever. A kid can go punch a pillow instead of a person.

If the teachers are not making sure that everyone is safe and behaving appropriately, they are not doing their job.

[Annika]

We're planning to homeschool, so this is beyond speculative. That said, here's what I think I would do: ask Moonpie (well, I'd be asking Sam, but you know what I mean), "Do you want to keep going to school, or go to a different school?" (Or whatever the alternative would be.) If she wants to do the alternative, explain to her what that would mean (she would not see so-and-so anymore, she would have a different teacher, et cetera). I know making this sort of thing the child's choice is a little out there, but that's what I would do.

And I would complain to the interim school director. Loudly.

[akeeyu]

Well, think about the worst case scenarios.

If Moonpie stays in this situation, she could be choked or bitten, too. Realistically, if the school doesn't take it seriously and have a corrective plan in action, there's really nothing to stop this kid, right? So, Moonpie could end up with an injury that could lead to a scar (physical and/or emotional).

The whole hating school thing? Entirely possible.

What's the worst case scenario if you put her in a different school? It will undoubtedly be a big pain in the ass. It could trigger some attachment issues and acting out. Then again, the long term benefits (no biting, feeling safe) could potentially outweigh a rough patch.

You know her best, so you're the best one to make a decision for her about this.

[angela]

We had two similar bullying / harassment issues in preschool. Both times, I asked my daughter if she would like to not go to that school anymore. She asked why she was being punished instead of the aggressors. So we did not move her. We talked to the director and teachers and made sure they knew what was not acceptable. Most importantly, we gave our daughter options on how to handle the bullying / harassment. We gave her words to shout "DON'T TOUCH ME!" and actions to protect herself - run to a teacher and/or physically put her arms out to distance herself from the offender (she liked that she could PUSH the other kid if they weren't listening to her words). Once she had the power, she wasn't afraid of the bullies anymore. Also, moving her wasn't ideal because this happens everywhere (though not always with the director's daughter - which is a stickier situation) and would we keep moving her every time there was a bully? Eventually, the bullies moved out of the school (matriculation or different preschool), but our daughter knows she is in control of her body and feels empowered to defend herself. It's a hard but important lesson to learn. (Of course, had none of these things worked and she was still being bullied, we would have moved her. I think it is important that the teachers and director, in our case, wanted to make things right.) Sorry for the long response - it was terrifying when we went through it and your post brings back memories of hard times

[Andi]

I don't really have anything especially new to add . . . I like what Angela and Rach both said about shouting "DON'T TOUCH ME" or "DON'T PUSH ME" or, perhaps most provocatively, "DON'T HURT ME" to draw outside attention to the behaviour as it happens. I also second that teaching her to put her arms out to block an attack is wholly allowable; there is a huge difference between acting as the aggressor and defending herself against a physical attack.

Empowering her like that may be enough to stave off any feeling she has of not being in control of the situation, but without being able to make it perfectly clear to the teachers that physical violence like that is absolutely disgusting and should be stopped immediately, I dunno if I'd be comfortable sending her there. If they aren't willing to require appropriate behaviour of the students, then it just plain endangers a whole lot of children.

Maybe confronting the mother of OLNFN (doesn't happen to be Scottish and start with M, does it?) with the situation might help? Is it possible she isn't aware that her daughter is being allowed to get away with this? Some kids can be great at home and terrors outside; it may be possible the teachers are just scared to discipline her because of who her mother is, and her mother actually has no idea what's going on. If my child was biting and pushing at school (which might, incidentally, be OLNFN's way of acting out because there's a new baby on the way) then I would definitely want to know about it!

Whatever you do decide, I do wish you the best with it. This is probably every bit as difficult for you as it is for Moonpie :(

[Dead Bug]

What a bloody pain.

Me, I would raise the issue again with the interim director and be very clear that if the little overused-last-name-for-a-first-name (Madison? Addison? Taylor? Jordan?) continues to bully, you will have no choice but to pull her out of school and find a new one. Very diplomatically, of course, you might also mention that you were talking to other parents about the situation, since that ought to carry some weight with the daycare's management.

Good luck to you and Moonpie.

--Bugs

[Stacy]

From my own personal experience in school and being bullied I would suggest that you get involved and talk to anyone who will listen at the school. My mother never advocated for me and never stood up for me and I still remember the feelings of helplessness and fear. It wasn't prescool for me but second grade. I learned t ahte school from that point on. YOu ahve to do whatever you need to to protect moon pie. Make sure she knows you are trying to make things better for her.

[susie]

Considering that this is the director's child and the teachers are unwilling to do anything about it, I would be looking for a new preschool.

[Erin]

I would call the state on this one--they have regulations for every preschool, not just those that are public. I would also talk to the teachers at the school and find out their policy for aggression. If one of the children were to get seriously hurt (and really, choking and biting are pretty close to it already) and there was a history, I would imagine they could get in trouble for negligence, endangering the welfare of minors, and a whole host of other things.

[Toni]

I'm agreeing with everyone else - teach Moonpie to defend herself and make it quite known to the school that you taught her how to do this since they refuse to deal with a bully.

I don't understand some of these schools. Perhaps they are willing to breed bullies??? Very sad.

I agree with whomever (very short memory over here!) said that taking her out of a school she likes punishes Moonpie - not the bully.

She's going to encounter bullies for the rest of her life - teaching her how to deal with them, I believe, is the best option. Good luck.

[Kate]

I would see if any other parents had the same thing happen to their child and gang up on the current director. I'm guessing that Moonpie is not the only victim.

[electriclady]

Ditto--team up with the parents of the child who was choked and bitten (!!!), and see if there are other parents whose children have been bullied, as I'm sure there are. The more parents are complaining, the more powerful you are.

And I don't care if the kid is going through a rough time with new baby at home or not--that kind of thing should be totally unacceptable.

[Spacemom]

As the mom of a biter (former at this point, thank goodness), I would strongly suggest that you teach Moonpie how to speak up. The "Don't bite me" and "Don't push me, I don't like that" and "I need space" are really important at this age.

It sounds like OLNFAFN has communication issues. I know my biter did. And the best way to deal with this is to clearly explain what the other kids don't want.

I would consider tracking these issues. If Moonpie has other incidents with OLNFAFN, talk to the director again.

In our case, they would remove my happy chomper and have her go to the office to calm down. The injured party was calmed and taken care of. My child was told how we need to use words, not hands or teeth for interactions. Slowly, slowly, she got it.

It's hard to tell if the staff is trying to calm you down or if they are truely not dealing. In our case, we were not called whenever an incident happened, but we were informed at the end of the day.

[katy]

Every preschool should have a written discipline policy as to how teachers will handle aggressive (or otherwise inappropriate) behavior. I believe it is part of the regulations for any licensed preschool in my state, although I don't know about yours. The policy for my daughter's school outlines what steps they will take, when/how they notify parents, etc. I would be very angry if I picked up my child at school & learned that she was bitten or pushed, and that no one called me to let me know what happened & how they were handling it.
I would work with Moonpie on coping skills, but I would also check out some other preschools if possible.
Ugh.

[Melody_NC]

You've gotten some great advice so far (I totally agree with Angela's comment) but I did want to mention one thing that did stand out for me that no one has touched on yet. If OLNFN has a mother home on maternity leave then she may be dealing with some jealousy with regard to the new baby which is intensifying her negative behavior at school. Please don't think I'm defending her behavior I'm just speculating that maybe this is something that she'll transition out of once her family routine settles down.

My school does not call me for any injury unless the skin is broken or the injury is severe and needs a doctor's attention (one time it was a bloody nose from a fall that they couldn't get stopped) so I'm not bothered by the fact that those parents weren't informed until the end of the day. I think that's fairly standard. I do think OLNFN should have faced some consequences with the face bite. That happened to one of my girls (I have 3.5 year old twins) and the offender (a little girl who had just started that week) was sent home for the day.

I think you should talk to the school again and let them know that while you understand that their opinion is that OLNFN "had a bad day" you'd like to discuss what will happen if this behavior continues, what their policies are, etc. since OLNFN's behavior is affecting Moonpie's desire to go to school. They should be willing to work with you on this and I think approaching this with a "What can we do to help Moonpie?" proactive angle versus a "What in the heck are you going to do about that demon child!?!" reactive angle may make a difference.

Good luck!

[Orodemniades]

Adding my measly 2 cents - it's totally Scottish and begins with M, doesn't it? - it doesn't sound like the teachers or administration is willing to do anything about the situation.

[Nan]

Lots of good advice here - so I won't repeat it.

One additional thought, though: If this is a private school, is there a board? Not just the director, but mucky-muck community types? They often like having their names on these things, and do what they can to ensure that name stays clean. Perhaps phone calls to them will trigger action so that (WASPy name starting w/T?) will learn that there are rules and consequences (ditto for the director and teachers).

Good luck.

[cherylc]

We had a kid who bit and was aggressive in my child's daycare. It was hard; he had communication difficulties and had had to move across the country after his house was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. But when he bit my daughter, he was sent home, where he apparently cried because he liked my daughter and didn't know why he did it. He apologized the next day, and all was well, although he continued to have some problems. But the daycare was firm with him and supportive to his parents, and that's really what you want to see.

I second encouraging Moonpie to speak up and defend herself.

I think OLNFAFN stars with 'T' and rhymes with sailor. Am I right?

Does the school only have one class at that age level? Or can she attenc on other days (MWF instead of T/Th)?

While the school is state-regulated, I'm sure that is more about health codes, background checks, student to staff ratios, etc. and not about discipline policies being enforced.

[Foster]

Welcome to the wonderful world of daycare!

The daycare I work at is full inclusion. This means we take in both average children and children w/ developmental problems. I work w/ two year olds and we have an autistic boy in our class. Guess who does most of the biting and scratching? But, since we are all-inclusion, we do not kick kids out, so we have to deal w/ it. There is always at least one biter in the one-year-old rooms and, having had one in my 1yrold class, there is not much to be done about it (at that age at least). Currently, we try lots of things w/ our biter, but he just doesnt understand, so we have taught the other kids to say, "No, kidsname!" loudly and back away. This helps us to intervene quickly as he can reach up in an instant and scratch someone. We also inform parents of injuries at pickup time. This is our written policy and parents have time to review this before signing their kids up at our school.

I guess I dont see what the big deal is since I am surrounded by this all day every weekday. Being a daycare teacher is HARD. I love it, but it is still a class with 10 2 year olds. We do work closely with the parents to get children to be non-violent, but, really, what are the parents supposed to do? They are not at school all day, WE are, so it is up to us to enforce proper behaviour. And it's difficult, no matter the age group. We do not know what Overused parents might be saying to her outside of school, but they are not at school w/ her, are they? They may be telling her that biting is not okay, but, hey, moms not here to do anything about it, haha! We tell kids all the time not to hit each other, and, guess what? They still do! I will say that choking and biting at three is a little old, but with a new baby, she may be regressing. When you have a bad day, you may not bite anyone, but you are not three years old, either, so the comparison is absurd.

I really wish more people would work in daycare. It would really give everyone more insight on these problems. Biting and hitting are NOT tolerated in my classroom, but kids will do them anyway, even with consequenses.