Coffee Talk: Sugar-Coating the Adoption Experience

Alright, let's take a break from our saga for a minute. 

Something has got me all riled up...

On one of the adoption forums I frequent, someone wrote a long post admonishing bloggers who write "negative" things about Kazakh adoption:

I am begging each and everyone of us, please do not use your American freedom of speech to speak negatively about Kazakhstan inany way.  Even if you are home with your child and had some tough times there, please share privately, but in public forums can we begin to speak only highly.   Everyone may have some negative, but you do have positive too, because in your home is that beautiful child/ren.   We are being watched and it is not making us look good when anything negative is written in blogs/websites etc, that does not speak highly of their country.  It sheds bad light on us as a people.   Please consider editing your blogs/websites if you have spoken negatively against anything about your experience in Kazakhstan, for those of us still desiring to go.

This person, by the way, has not gone to Kazakhstan yet...

When D and I were in Kaz, every time something went bad our coordinator told us not to write about it.

Now, this guy knew we had a private, password protected journal for our families, but he did NOT know about this site. 

Or did he? 

We knew we were under surveillance, we knew he had something to do with it, and so every time he admonished us to keep quiet we did, out of fear for our safety.   Even though I clung to my little blue passport for protection and hid the number for the U.S. Embassy in no less than three places on my body, I knew in my heart that I was extremely vulnerable, and that for all of my bravado we really were not 100% safe.   

I was a guest in a different culture,  and so I acquiesced to his request for self-censorship.

But I am not there anymore.

I seriously doubt that the Kazakh adoptive program will shut down because a handful of Americans write about their adoption experiences.  If they do shut down, it will have way more to do with the families who refuse to abide by the ever-changing rules on post-placement reports, or because of political in-fighting. 

The truth is, adoption is hard.  It is hard from ANY country.  Programs change, people change their minds, referrals are lost or switched.  Hot water runs out, parasitic illnesses attack, children are under-nourished and sometimes even abused.  Does sugar-coating the experience really encourage people to adopt, or does it actually do them a disservice?  Would you rather know the truth so that you can make an informed decision, or should we all pretend that life is great and that nothing bad ever goes wrong, on the off- chance that someone in the target country might be reading?

What do you think?

Comments

[chel]

Truth is best.

We made the decision to adopt from China years ago after doing a ton of research, but after reading your blog, I could never pursue a Kaz adoption. Why? Because I couldn't handle what you went through, for reasons both medical (issues with my immune system- husband will be going to China alone for Gotcha Day) and emotional (you are one TOUGH cookie!) I'm glad I know this information NOW instead of thinking a Kaz adoption might be a feasible choice for us down the road. I also realize that the adoption from China will also be difficult- EVERY adoption is difficult. But I'm so glad I didn't try and pursue something that would ultimately be impossible for my situation. It would not only break a piece of my heart, but also that of the child who might have been referred to us before we realized that we couldn't make the trip/hold on for the duration.

Your story is preparing me for what we face in the next year. It may be less or more complicated, but I know if I go into this I must do so with an open mind and a lot of patience. Thanks for helping me get ready.

[Cheryl]

My only response would be this-

Say you did cover up all the negative things. How would you feel if another parent went over to a foreign country completely unprepared and some incident befell them, some incident that you knew could happen? How would you feel if your information could have better prepared someone for their own trip?

Yes, the systems are flawed (deeply in some cases, and some more than others,) but isn't it better to be prepared with as much information as possible? Fore-warned is fore-armed (figuratively speaking, of course.)

And if you expose the flaws, and enough people know about it, then those flaws can be fixed.

[Stephanie]

I'll try to keep this brief, but it's hard. A sore subject with me as the way we adoptive parents are so fearful all the time. It makes sense - most of us have been through hell and back trying to become parents and are terrified another obstacle will be thrown in our way. But we'll never ever be good advocates for ourselves if we allow this fear to motivate all of our actions. And people will continue to take advantage, and nothing will change. So I say on behalf of someone still paperchasing (and having been through her share of hell), please do keep advancing the cause of information sharing.

[Erin]

You should tell the truth in this situation. Even if it hurts. I think this is important on two levels:

Number 1, on the microlevel: Giving an honest rendition of your experience is the best thing you can do for Moonpie, yourself and potential adoptive families. Cloaking the emotional toil of your journey in the sweetness of uber-adoption-friendly stories would be a dishonest representation of events.

Number two, on the macrolevel: Critique -- or "Kritik" as Hagel would say -- is critical to meaningful improvement. Silence would encourage only superficial change, if any. Adoption is necessarily a painful process; and a process that requires constant re-evaluation on every level. The in-country experience of families is a part of adoption progress.

Continue your Kritik. An open and honest dialogue acknowledging the bad and praising the good is key to the process.

It's okay, because Hagel wasn't an ugly American.

[Soper]

But what if this "Kritik" results in a program shutting down, even temporarily, and hurting both the very children we are trying to help AND the adoptive community waiting to bring them home? Should a Machiavellian "the ends justify the means" attitude prevail? How do we balance the need to reform the system with the needs of the children and waiting families?

[Susan / holdingpattern]

I, for one, am very thankful for your honesty and completeness about the experience. I am starting the adoption process and I have to tell you I am sick of not getting all the information. I DO have a constant sense that people are sugar-coating things, telling me "not to worry" etc... This only heightens my anxiety because I wonder what the REAL story is. And there are few places on the Internet where one can get the real story (I've searched), with all its great stuff and its warts. Your blog is one of them, and for that I thank you.

[Katie/WannaBeMom]

I'm voting for the truth. It doesn't need to be adorned or told in a super dramatic way, but just the truth. For the record, I think you do this, and I for one, like those who have commented above me, really appreciate your candor. And I think your initial observation about the potential for the program to be shut down might be more about people do not "abide by the ever-changing rules" seems more on target than the potential for the program to be shut down because of your blog. It seems to me that one of the radical things about blogging is the ability to tell our own truths regarding a matter-- we've all probably gleamed some insight from our personal situations from other people's blogs or read something we were never ever going to be able to find in a book.I applaud your work at telling this story here. Please don't stop.

[Kate]

Oh, fer cryin' out loud.

Do NOT sugar-coat. People who are paranoid about programs closing due to comments on blogs or lists drive me batty. People who call anything that is the slightest bit uncomfortable or uncomplimentary "flaming" or "negativity" drive me batty.

There's a helluva lot of stuff about international adoption that newbies simply don't know, and there's a certain subset of newbies who don't *want* to know. Are you an adult adoptee who writes about the moments of angst related to being adopted? You're angry and bitter. Are you an adoptive parent who writes about, say, racism aimed at Asian Americans? You're negative and hysterical. Are you a birthmother who writes about the pain and sorrow of relinquishing a child? You're stuck in the past, in an emotional rut, and have never grown up. Do you talk about serious attachment issues your own child has encountered, and the difficulties resolving them? You must be a Bad Parent, or you attribute everything to your child being adopted. Happen to mention that maybe international adoption isn't the best option, and you're automatically labeled as "anti-adoption".

Yadda, yadda, yadda...All examples I've seen on blogs or boards or listservs.

God forbid you should mention the fact that China arrested an *orphanage director* and *charity workers* for buying and selling babies. La la la, they can't hear you!

Go for it. Write what happened. Write about how you felt. If something happened that you feel/felt was totally unethical (e.g., the orphanage director doing the bait and switch), by god, let people know. Because if there are problems, letting other people know about them will prepare them, allow them to make up their own minds, treat them like adults. And if there are problems, and enough good people bitch about those problems, maybe something will be done to alleviate those problems.

And, no, I don't think "the ends justify the means" is a good way to look at things when it comes to, say, corruption in adoption practices. While it broke many people's hearts, the closure of Vietnam to international adoption while they straightened things out was a Good Thing. I personally wouldn't be able to look my daughter in the eyes when she grows up if I knew for a fact at the time of adoption that she was stolen or baby-brokered.

Hmmm. This may have come out horribly disjointed, but the gist is: keep telling your story, the way it happened. And blow big mental raspberries at the folks like the one you quoted.

[Jenn]

I vote for truth. I feel the need to know the real story. What really happens. I don't think that writing the TRUTH would shut down a program, but I do not know the ins and outs of the system by any means. If you were making stuff up, yeah, that would be bad. But the truth shall set you free, right?

[gawdessness]

Honesty is the best policy.

If you hear the worst and think you can manage it or realize that you can't - that's good to know ahead of time.

[Julie]

Egad, I have been so phenomenally grateful for every word you've written about your Kazakh experience.

I think the best thing, and the only ethical thing, any of us can do is to tell our stories and to tell them true. You and other bloggers do the infertile/adoption/parent-to-be community an enormous service, and I would be terribly sorry to see any of us squelched.

If the Kazakh adoption program suffers, it'll suffer because of what was done, not because of what was said.

[sheilah]

I wholeheartedly second Julie's comment. I am loving reading your story and check every day for an update. I doubt if telling the truth will shut down the program.

[Tracy]

I too love your site and if I were adopting from Kaz (or considering adopting from there) I would be grateful for the information you are providing. But I also think that people should give the worried woman some slack. We leave for China in one week and I know just the thought that anything could happen to postpone our trip scares me to death. Do I like it when Bush goes over to China and tells them how to run their country? NO. Do I like all the talk of the bird flu? NO. I think most of us will not truly believe we are going to bring this beautiful baby home (that something isn't going to stand in our way) until she/he is firmly on American (or whatever country you are from) soil. So I am sure that person is over-reacting and being fearful. But if you were still home and worried that the program would be shut down, wouldn't you wish that everyone would just shut up and let you get there and get your baby?

I don't think your blog will have any effect on the adoption process in Kaz, anymore than I think Bush's comments are going to shut down American adoptions in China. But I can certainly feel for that woman who is most likely in serious panick mode right now.

Tracy

[Therese]

Tell it like it is baby.

[Shelley]

Ignorance may be bliss - but not if you're adopting. Adoption is not for wimps. Tell it like it is. Warts and all.

By the way, I'm another parent who adopted from China. Your story makes the "inconveniences" we experienced while traveling abroad look like a day at the spa. I know I could not have gone through what you did. Hat's off to you guys. And to little Moonpie too!

Shelley

[stephanie]

Another vote for telling the truth. I was recently sent a private email basically telling me to stop talking about the baby trafficking prosecutions on a China adoption Yahoo list, and it really made me angry. As you say, it's one thing to be circumspect while you are in the country in question, but once you are home you should be able to tell it like it is/was. I seriously doubt anything posted on a blog or email list could effect a change in a country's adoption policy. And if things were so bad that the internet chatter rose to such a level that it did effect a change, the situation would probably be so dire that a change was necessary, despite the pain this would cause families caught in the middle.

Please keep writing. I love your blog.

[sara]

Keep telling the truth.

Even though the woman on the forum may be in a serious state of pre-travel panic, she has the ability to censor for herself what she is reading. On the forums I frequent similar requests have been posted, but always met with disapproval from the other members. Most of us want to know the truth, not the glossed over version, and you deliver it in a way that speaks both of the goodness in the program and the parts that could use improvement. And how else would we all know to pack our stillettos?

I hadn't considered a Kaz adoption (mostly due to the long in-country stay), but after reading your story I am more interested. Keep telling it like it is.

[cubbiegirl]

I say tell the truth, as long as you balance it with a respect for your daughter's birth country. Which I think you do.

[Menita]

Tell it like it is. Because the best that could happen is that the pressure would make folks get their act together, so no more parents would have to endure what you did, and those kids' interests are served much better.
You did a wonderful job of describing both the good and bad things you ran into, and even when you were critical, I never detected an ounce of disrespect. I think you did everyone involved in the process, and everyone thinking of going through it, a great service.
And you were thoughtful about protecting your friends, I remember how you took care of Heidi.

[wavybrains]

Another vote for telling it like it actually happened. I want to adopt someday, and am still very undecided about what country, what program--and all of the various experiences out there, Your's, the Guatamala blogs, the Chinese adopters, the domestic adopters--all serve just to paint a more robust picture of what it is really like. I am fascinated and awed for what you went through.

I hope that what you write DOES make a difference, just as I hope that the nervous adopter gets to travel soon & has a much easier time of than you did. I hope that what you write ends up preparing people a little better---Bring cold meds! and helps them to cope in knowing they are not alone when the going gets rough.

Finally, while the cynical lawyer in me doubts the impact of one blog, it is only because of exposes done in Romania, Russia, Vietnam, Cambodia etc--conditions are now marginally better. I want to see the children brought home, but not at the expense of the waiting children--if the system must slow down in order to improve conditions in the baby houses and reduce corruption, then ultimately this IS progress, heartbreaking though it may very well be.

Keep being honest. Please.

[SpaceMom]

I vote for the honesty. Granted, I have two bio children and I think two is where we will stay. However, I think you will be doing more of a disservice by sugar coating what happened there.

Maybe the KGB guys do read blogs. Maybe not. But this is part of Moonpie's life, the time you and D spent in Kaz to bond with her, to learn who she was. Be honest to her, and to yourself...

[Rula]

I would keep sticking to truth and facts, negative or positive, like you have been. Respect for the country and culture is paramount and I don't see that you've shown any disrespect.

I ran into the same situation within a group related to my daughter's birth country. Unfortunately, one of the "wild ones" in our group did post some really negative things, all over the place on different boards, not about the country or culture, but about the agency which was only one of two with programs this small country. The comments were actually picked up by a reporter in one of the few media outlets there, and printed in an extremely negative article about adoptions. It is a very small country, with mixed feelings about the adoptions. The story was used by one of the higher up politicos to conduct an "investigation" into adoptions. Not much happened as a result. Unfortunately, about a year later several intervening events and and one particularily devastating event occurred and the things she said were trotted back out. Adoptions have been temporarily halted there. NOT because of what she posted, but because of the intervening events. But what she did say was used by people opposed to adoptions in that country to achieve their own political agenda. I really believe that this was a very rare situation, and probably the only time it has occurred. And only because it is a very small country with an amazingly effective grapevine that is not usually accurate and overseas adoptions are fairly new there. I don't think anything on your blog would have any effect on what goes on in Kaz. I doubt that they give two hoots what you have to say once you've left. I've enjoyed following your story. Yay for Moonpie!!!

[Kimm]

I really don't know, Soper. Being a person who likes to be fully prepared for the unknown, I've really appreciated your bluntness. Some of your troubles are maybe related to your agency's in-country partners (?), some due to culture clash, and some to very poor communication. Perhaps this last is more about American openness clashing with Soviet era secrecy? I'm ideologically opposed to telling anybody not to speak their mind, but here, there's a little part of me that hesitates.

Maybe it stems from the fact that there are anti- international adoption sentiments in Kaz, and indeed in a lot of countries that adopt their children out. Maybe a few blogs are insignificant or maybe not. I would hope that a few voices wouldn't actually endanger adoption programs but when combined with other factors, maybe they could cause some trouble. Kaz recently protested the comedian, Ali G, for his portrayal of a Kazakh character. This would indicate that Kazakhstan is sensitive about its international image. (And I understand if they are. A country that doesn't have any kind of prominent image would naturally be bothered at being portrayed as buffoons, even as a joke.) What if anti-adoption groups or canny politicians used stories of bloggers and adoptive parents who bad-mouth their programs and country to push their agendas or increase their public profiles? (Not saying that "bad-mouthing" is a reasonable way to view it but it might be portrayed that way to Kazakh people.)

It's possible that some upheaval may lead to better things for the programs in the end, but as someone who is waiting for a referral, this doesn't comfort me at all. As a matter of fact, it makes me want to smack somebody the same way that my hand itches when people tell me "Now that you're adopting, you'll get pregnant!" I can't imagine that it's much solace for the kids in the orphanages either.

[Kimm]

Because I'm dumb sometimes, I missed Rula's post above mine and didn't see her point about politicians from her daughter's birth country using comments to foment discontent (and further their careers). Fortunately, not much came of that incident, but what I worry about is that that kind of publicity will engender negative public opinions about foreign adoption which may, down the line, affect adoption programs. I mean, that's part of the reason why the in-country stay is so long in Kaz, isn't it? They're trying to discourage foreigners from adopting their children? And then there are the recent "investigations" in Astana and the halt initiated by the mayor of Almaty back in August ... Maybe I'll feel differently once I'm back with my baby, but for now it all worries me.

[Amy]

I can see Kimm's point above. If I were a waiting parent all that stuff would make me mighty nervous too. I can understand that it is a very scary and vulnerable position to be in.

But I think that it is important to remember how dark and secretive adoption used to be. The only reason that the cobwebs have started to clear out is because some light started to shine in on the process. I can't imagine that anything one anonymous person on the Internet says is going to shut down a program. I don't think you or any other blogger has that kind of power. But if enough people are bringing to light the same issues and questions about a certain program or agency I think that probably indicates there are some systematic problems that need to be addressed, even if that means that some kids and some parents will end up waiting longer. I keep thinking of the situation in Cambodia with Lauren Galindo. If all of those parents had kept their mouths shut about the problems and discrepancies they were seeing the really unethical stuff that was going on might never have been exposed. Lots of parents who worked with her noticed problems and kept it to themselves. It was only when a few who didn't keep their mouths shut started talking that she was exposed. We have to let the light shine in on the whole process...good and bad...in order to assure that the parents and children who are waiting to be united are not exploited. I also think that light on the process works to fight against anti adoption sentiments not the other way around. It is much harder for the anti international adoption folks to hurdle false accusations at something if the process is truly transparent.